A Story About A Woman on International Women's Day

There’s been a lot in the news about gender inequality, general horrible occurrences involving women, and a steady undercurrent of misogyny in all corners of the internet. This coupled with my own realizations about internalized prejudice about womanhood finally came to a head when I was asked if I wanted to see Captain Marvel and my visceral reaction was no way. I chalked up my immediate knee-jerk decision to not knowing anything about the superhero themselves and being uninterested in learning. However, upon further examination of these troubling thoughts, I realized it was much more than not knowing who Captain Marvel was, but coming to the conclusion my indifference stemmed more from this character being a woman.

I know. I was upset with me too, and I’ve been spending these last few days trying to understand how I could have succumbed to the anti-women narrative surrounding this movie without reading or seeing a single piece about it. As I mentioned previously, I was coming to terms with my own feelings of inadequacy. This stemmed from an acknowledgement about a personality trait I’ve harbored most of my life as a result of, what I think, being a woman in this patriarchal society. I’m not saying my experience is reflective of every woman, because obviously we all have our own journeys that mold us into who we are, but I wanted to share mine.

My scary spiral started when it came to my attention I haven’t gotten a raise in a few years and I started researching my current role, finding I wasn’t being paid even close to market. In charge my friends- self-doubt, pity, and anger at myself- along with my homeslice, relentlessly-berating-myself wondering how I could’ve let this happen.

Generally, I’ve been described as “chill,“ which never bothered me before, but then started to associate that term with docile, weak, feeble, unworthy. My once coveted calm and collected demeanor became something I started to hate about myself and was upset I let that part of me leak into my work life. I don’t mind being described as even-tempered, but when it comes to fighting for myself and my worth, there was a piece of me that always told myself I knew how to do that. There was a piece of me that knew if I were taken advantage of I would instinctively know what to do and handle the situation accordingly. It never occured to me that being “chill” meant I was forgiving transgressions and not understanding my worth.

I started taking necessary steps to rectify the situation, but the damage was done. I blamed myself for not speaking up sooner and started re-examining the how I interacted on a daily basis. I read a number of articles about women in tech and women in the workforce and discovered I wasn’t the only one who felt undervalued. In so many aspects of our lives, women are told to stay in their place and not be too boisterous, and though this sentiment is certainly shifting, it’s still going to take some time to permeate and become the new normal.

I got angry at myself for not speaking up, then came internalizing that anger and becoming aggressively critical and embarrassingly jealous of the women around me who haven’t fallen into docility. It wasn’t fair and it was absolutely a mechanism to make myself feel better. All of this to get back to Captain Marvel- arguably the most powerful character in the entire Marvel universe. Her story should have given me excitement. The thought of her being this indelible force that cannot be contained is a powerful testament to womanhood, but being lost in my own dumb issues blinded me to this.

Luckily, I watched it anyway, because there was a part of me that knew I had to, and I’m so glad I did. I won’t include any spoilers here, but the friendships between the women in the movie, the message of being comfortable with who you are, questioning the establishment, and not letting anyone tell you who you are has resonated so deeply in me. I left that movie feeling so empowered and so grateful to have my perspective and so much more willing to forgive myself. Definitely, still going through the motions, but making an effort to read, watch, and listen to even more women. I am so much more powerful than I give myself credit for. We all are.

I’m forgiving myself and being more gentle. Acknowledging change is hard, but definitely worth it. I look forward to working through this and becoming a better woman and human.

It’s mf International Women’s Day and I embrace all of my ladies from all walks of life just fighting through the bullshit, powering through the patriarchy, douching out misogyny, and stomping on antediluvian notions of femininity.

Get ready world. This bitch bites.
Omg, that was so cheesy. Okay I’m done.

Believe Them.

You should believe women.

Think about how immensely difficult it must be to talk about sexual assault. Think about our society and how sex is still seen as this unholy, unspeakable act of hedonism. Think about how women are objectified in film and TV. It’s improving, but it’s still nowhere near okay. 

Think about women and how they’re taught to be demure, soft-spoken, to take up as little space as possible. Think about trans women who mostly don’t even get a fighting chance in this world because there is a violent resistance to their very existence. Think about how they have to operate differently in the world as women because people don’t understand how women can still be women in a nonheteronormative/strictly binary sense. Think about how these women don’t get common, decent respect. Think about how people won’t value them as people- HUMANS. We must be better as a society.

Think about all those things and then think about the reactions you’ve had/you’ve seen to sexual assault when even a shadow of a doubt is cast on the accuser. Think about how the first reaction is, what was she wearing. Think about how she’s instantly labeled something fiercely harsh and explicitly, negatively sexual because she was violated. Now think about why it may take so much time for a woman to think about all of these things, have to weigh the backlash for an assault on their bodies, and maybe think it’s not worth it while the men go on to assault their next victims. It’s because society breeds an acceptance of this behavior. It’s because it’s too much to think about and even more to remedy. It’s because we’ve grown so accustomed to letting men get with abusing women, instilling misogyny into the core of American values.

You should believe men.

Think about how hard it is in a society that embraces hyper-masculinity to a fault. Think about how men have been taught to ignore or suppress feelings so as to not seem like ‘a girl,’ because femininity is the enemy in a patriarchal society. Think about how men are assumed to be the aggressor in any situation, especially in a sexual situation. Think about the rigidity of male sexuality and the continued stigma of the expression of love between two men. Think about how this dynamic is problematic. Think about how men don’t want to come forward because of this blatant stigma. Think about the church. Think about the many cases of abuse that have been denied or paid off. Think about how these very instances have made men and boys not even involved with the church see how abuse isn’t taken seriously in a place where you’re supposed to feel the safest. If there’s no justice there, then why even bother reporting sexual abuse.

Sexual assault is not exclusive to gender, sexual orientation, identity, politics, religion, race, creed. It has nothing to do with political correctness or policing rights. It has everything to do with respect. It has everything to do with valuing a human as a human and knowing that basic human rights are being scrutinized, analyzed, conjectured, but not thought about as THE BASIC HUMAN RIGHT TO NOT BE MOLESTED, TO NOT BE TOUCHED, TO NOT FEEL UNSAFE. It’s a basic human right to privacy of your fucking body and to feel unsafe in any situation because someone doesn’t feel they need to respect your body is intrinsically unacceptable. No one- NO ONE should be made to feel sexual assault is allowable EVER.

So, when there are men/women being accused of sexual assault. BELIEVE the accusations. Yes, there is that tiny percentage that throws everyone off, but look at that percentage and think about the many women in your life. Would you rather immediately negate their accusations and continue this outrageous cycle of victim-blaming, or would you rather give that woman space and time to share her story without instant judgment?

All the women and men who have been so brave to come forward have been a true inspiration and I hope this momentum continues so we can all learn and grow from this blaring mistake of our past. Unfortunately, the leader of the land has yet to face any consequences of his actions, but I have hope that these other accusations will pressure the GOP to do something right and good for once.

It's a man's world.

*Sitting in the corner of a six-person seat on the metro north feeling strangely uncomfortable not only because I’m squeezed near the window surrounded by men, but feel like they expect me to fold within myself to take up less room while they manspread all over the place. 

The man in front of me keeps stepping on my foot but in a very awkward way that makes me think he’s not just fidgeting but intentionally encroaching on my space. This. This is what it feels like to be a woman every day. There are moments I have every single day that make me grossly aware of my womanhood. In a way that makes me feel worried about my safety. I worry men will take advantage of me or mistreat me solely because they feel they can. Ugh, he’s seriously pushing his feet onto my side so my legs are sandwiched between his. I’m literally trapped here.*

This brings me to that protest on twitter that was ultimately about women being attacked and silenced both in social media and IRL. The entire point of a protest is to make people uncomfortable and to shed light on an otherwise ignored or (another word for “not thought about”) idea. That particular protest I felt went beyond just Rose Mcgowen’s account vein suspended and extended to every woman who has been the subject of men’s oppression which is let’s face it - all of us. It’s about calling attention to the injustices women face for just being a woman.

When the protest started there was immediately a backlash. People were saying silence was not the answer and that it’s silly to stop speaking since that is literally the point. That this platform gives you a voice. I get that. However, being off Twitter- one social media platform among very many- isn’t silencing yourself considering there are plenty of other ways to get your voice heard including, calling your senator to make sure women’s rights are in the forefront of their minds, writing pieces on inequities and misogyny that exists in myriad ways in society, speaking IRL to young women in your community encouraging them to speak up if they’re faced with oppression. Look at the attention that little hashtag got. People are talking and that is how change starts. Regardless if you don’t agree with this particular tactic. It worked. Twitter is now cracking down on trolls. Praise be.

UNFORTUNATELY, shortly after that hellish train ride, I had another questionable encounter with a man who asked me for directions then began to tell me he worked for [insert large entertainment company here] and asked if I had a few minutes to spare as I was walking to the train. He told me he wasn’t hitting on me, which I honestly didn’t think he was doing until he said it. I told him I didn’t have any time to speak at the moment and he told me earlier in the conversation he had a card but didn’t make any moves to offer it to me after declining his request to speak somewhere. It was all too much in the wake of the Weinstein I felt stupid and a little slighted that 1) I didn’t get that card, 2) was possibly being coerced into an uncomfortable situation 3) I’m completely overthinking this and that man was just being kind but in this day and age you can never fucking tell so you have to put your guard up and keep your wits about you so you don’t fall prey to a ‘nice guy’ trap because men are somehow getting angrier and stealthier about hurting women.

In this day and age, it’s been so hard to grasp reality and today was just super frekkin weird one.

* Note: I wrote that first part while literally on the train as it was happening. Writing is the only thing that kept me sane while I silently suffered. Yes, I feel like I should’ve said something, but I’m awful at confrontation and it paralyzed me. I’m not proud of it and I hope I can find the strength to be more vocal if anything like that ever happens again.

GoT, guys, GTFO.

Game of thrones creators making a show about the south winning the civil war is one of the most insensitive, culturally tone-deaf notions to come out of HBO’s think tank in a while. 

It’s another statement about progress meaning nothing in the wake of a big paycheck and the insufferable ignorance of some people. It’s exhausting. I’ve written this before and I’ll write it again. IT’S EXHAUSTING to live in a society that is constantly telling you the atrocities of the past have no effect on your future and to ‘suck it up’ if you feel discriminated against. No. That is not the proper response. In fact, the way some Americans react to serious allegations of racism is with something that is vaguely (explicitly) reminiscent of a sociopath. The text book definition of a sociopath is as follows:

ˈsōsēōˌpaTH/

noun

1. a person with a personality disorder manifesting itself in extreme antisocial attitudes and behavior and a lack of conscience.

I mean….

Where is your conscience when you completely dismiss an entire community of people because  you don’t understand their plight?

Anyway, this is a terrible idea and I’m appalled by all of the people this concept had to pass through before the show was announced and that somehow it still got funded. Not surprised! Appalled. Now, like, can I still watch GoT?! I’m not sure I can…. but gd it the WINTER IS COMING.

Sigh. Just when I think things are looking up, society has me swallow a whole 28932199393 gallons of get real.

This is a tender moment in time where people are just realizing the intricate complexities of race in America, and then this garbage is announced and it just feels like we’re taking so many steps back. I hope enough people show their disgust, because this is just plain shameful.

I can’t see, your hair’s in the way

Soooo I have finally done it. I have finally started wearing my hair “out.” This means all of my hair in it’s curly glory is unleashed unto the wold, vulnerable to judgement and rejection, approval and pride, confusion and dismissal. 

For a while I didn’t wear my hair in a ‘fro because it just didn’t ‘feel right’ but then I started to think about where those feelings were coming from and dissecting them to see if it was some crazy self-loathing or embarrassment that stems from American society’s idea of beauty. In the end, I do think it was a bit of that, because let’s be real, it’s hard to be impervious to the onslaught of beauty standards that berate us everyday. But, it was also my preference to wear my hair in twists because it’s a style that doesn’t dry out my hair within minutes and I can wear that hairstyle for a few days (ahem, weeks) without having to mess with it. I’m very low-maintenance, so the thought of doing cute styles everyday would put me in shock. I’m slowly overcoming my aversion to spending more time on my hair. Ha.

So, whatever, I did it. And I love it. However, I do want to share an instance where my full head of kinky hair wasn’t so appreciated and I was so surprised and taken aback at WHERE I felt this incredible discomfort and more so sad as to the probable reasons why:

My little sister’s dance recital for an all-black dance company.

There were quite a few things going on before I even stepped foot into the theater that made me a little uneasy, including the fact that my little sister was required to wear a weave (which she looked adorable in- but still), as were all of the ladies in the dance company. I understand the creative desire for uniformity when putting on a show, but because our culture has been so ravaged by history it seems like maybe putting young black girls in straight weaves isn’t the best way to encourage confidence, but I digress. What went on in that show is a whole other blog post. 

Anyway, so I’m sitting down watching these super talented kids bop around stage when I feel a distinctive tap on my shoulder. I turn around and this girl tells me in the most condescending, self-important tone that my hair is in the way and that she can’t see and asked me if I could ‘move the the left’ so she could see.

Honestly, I don’t mind someone asking me to scoot over if my hair’s in the way, but sweet jesus they better do it in a way that is respectful. This kid made it seem as though I was wearing a giant sun hat that haloed 8 feet around my head. The way she said ‘your hair is in the way,’ my hair may as well have been live cockroaches crawling all over her. Needless to say I wanted to level her out right then and there. Of course, I refrained because the thought of actually getting into a physical fight with anyone makes me squeamish, but it also made me sad because I could almost hear the disgust in her voice and immediately understood that kind of hateful sentiment that permeates black culture when it comes to hair. Also, she was like 14- I think. Sigh.

I’ve been wearing my hair natural my entire life and have been subjected to all sorts of criticism, but in this new age of #blackgirlmagic and the warm embrace of and enthusiasm behind black hair care, I thought I would have a safe space at this event that was suppose to be celebrating blackness. Though, that may have been the case, not everyone is onboard with the ‘fro, and that’s okay- I guess. The only thing is to make sure the reason behind not wanting or liking afros is coming from a healthy place. Because, just look at it:

As I mentioned earlier, I think there was a part of me that was so hesitant to rock a ‘fro because of the prejudice associated with it, and I didn’t want to be ‘categorized.’ I know. I know. It took a long time for me to recognize and accept those feelings. It’s so frustrating because it was like I knew better, but couldn’t shake these strange sensitivities. I’ve come to terms with the fact that the healing within the community is going to take a lot longer than a few years of insightful speeches, ‘woke’ celebrities, and social movements. The kind of damage that’s been done is so much deeper than hair and so much more than just putting more black people in TV shows and films. My ancestors were completely stripped of their humanity and told they didn’t deserve, well, anything. Nothing. They didn’t even deserve to be themselves. So, of course that kind of psychological trauma that has manifested and evolved in countless ways not only within the black community but in society as a whole is going to take some time to mend. We’re on the right track though, finally, but whew. It’s gonna be a while. In the meantime, I’ll be over here rockin my ‘fro.