A Story About A Woman on International Women's Day

There’s been a lot in the news about gender inequality, general horrible occurrences involving women, and a steady undercurrent of misogyny in all corners of the internet. This coupled with my own realizations about internalized prejudice about womanhood finally came to a head when I was asked if I wanted to see Captain Marvel and my visceral reaction was no way. I chalked up my immediate knee-jerk decision to not knowing anything about the superhero themselves and being uninterested in learning. However, upon further examination of these troubling thoughts, I realized it was much more than not knowing who Captain Marvel was, but coming to the conclusion my indifference stemmed more from this character being a woman.

I know. I was upset with me too, and I’ve been spending these last few days trying to understand how I could have succumbed to the anti-women narrative surrounding this movie without reading or seeing a single piece about it. As I mentioned previously, I was coming to terms with my own feelings of inadequacy. This stemmed from an acknowledgement about a personality trait I’ve harbored most of my life as a result of, what I think, being a woman in this patriarchal society. I’m not saying my experience is reflective of every woman, because obviously we all have our own journeys that mold us into who we are, but I wanted to share mine.

My scary spiral started when it came to my attention I haven’t gotten a raise in a few years and I started researching my current role, finding I wasn’t being paid even close to market. In charge my friends- self-doubt, pity, and anger at myself- along with my homeslice, relentlessly-berating-myself wondering how I could’ve let this happen.

Generally, I’ve been described as “chill,“ which never bothered me before, but then started to associate that term with docile, weak, feeble, unworthy. My once coveted calm and collected demeanor became something I started to hate about myself and was upset I let that part of me leak into my work life. I don’t mind being described as even-tempered, but when it comes to fighting for myself and my worth, there was a piece of me that always told myself I knew how to do that. There was a piece of me that knew if I were taken advantage of I would instinctively know what to do and handle the situation accordingly. It never occured to me that being “chill” meant I was forgiving transgressions and not understanding my worth.

I started taking necessary steps to rectify the situation, but the damage was done. I blamed myself for not speaking up sooner and started re-examining the how I interacted on a daily basis. I read a number of articles about women in tech and women in the workforce and discovered I wasn’t the only one who felt undervalued. In so many aspects of our lives, women are told to stay in their place and not be too boisterous, and though this sentiment is certainly shifting, it’s still going to take some time to permeate and become the new normal.

I got angry at myself for not speaking up, then came internalizing that anger and becoming aggressively critical and embarrassingly jealous of the women around me who haven’t fallen into docility. It wasn’t fair and it was absolutely a mechanism to make myself feel better. All of this to get back to Captain Marvel- arguably the most powerful character in the entire Marvel universe. Her story should have given me excitement. The thought of her being this indelible force that cannot be contained is a powerful testament to womanhood, but being lost in my own dumb issues blinded me to this.

Luckily, I watched it anyway, because there was a part of me that knew I had to, and I’m so glad I did. I won’t include any spoilers here, but the friendships between the women in the movie, the message of being comfortable with who you are, questioning the establishment, and not letting anyone tell you who you are has resonated so deeply in me. I left that movie feeling so empowered and so grateful to have my perspective and so much more willing to forgive myself. Definitely, still going through the motions, but making an effort to read, watch, and listen to even more women. I am so much more powerful than I give myself credit for. We all are.

I’m forgiving myself and being more gentle. Acknowledging change is hard, but definitely worth it. I look forward to working through this and becoming a better woman and human.

It’s mf International Women’s Day and I embrace all of my ladies from all walks of life just fighting through the bullshit, powering through the patriarchy, douching out misogyny, and stomping on antediluvian notions of femininity.

Get ready world. This bitch bites.
Omg, that was so cheesy. Okay I’m done.

It's a man's world.

*Sitting in the corner of a six-person seat on the metro north feeling strangely uncomfortable not only because I’m squeezed near the window surrounded by men, but feel like they expect me to fold within myself to take up less room while they manspread all over the place. 

The man in front of me keeps stepping on my foot but in a very awkward way that makes me think he’s not just fidgeting but intentionally encroaching on my space. This. This is what it feels like to be a woman every day. There are moments I have every single day that make me grossly aware of my womanhood. In a way that makes me feel worried about my safety. I worry men will take advantage of me or mistreat me solely because they feel they can. Ugh, he’s seriously pushing his feet onto my side so my legs are sandwiched between his. I’m literally trapped here.*

This brings me to that protest on twitter that was ultimately about women being attacked and silenced both in social media and IRL. The entire point of a protest is to make people uncomfortable and to shed light on an otherwise ignored or (another word for “not thought about”) idea. That particular protest I felt went beyond just Rose Mcgowen’s account vein suspended and extended to every woman who has been the subject of men’s oppression which is let’s face it - all of us. It’s about calling attention to the injustices women face for just being a woman.

When the protest started there was immediately a backlash. People were saying silence was not the answer and that it’s silly to stop speaking since that is literally the point. That this platform gives you a voice. I get that. However, being off Twitter- one social media platform among very many- isn’t silencing yourself considering there are plenty of other ways to get your voice heard including, calling your senator to make sure women’s rights are in the forefront of their minds, writing pieces on inequities and misogyny that exists in myriad ways in society, speaking IRL to young women in your community encouraging them to speak up if they’re faced with oppression. Look at the attention that little hashtag got. People are talking and that is how change starts. Regardless if you don’t agree with this particular tactic. It worked. Twitter is now cracking down on trolls. Praise be.

UNFORTUNATELY, shortly after that hellish train ride, I had another questionable encounter with a man who asked me for directions then began to tell me he worked for [insert large entertainment company here] and asked if I had a few minutes to spare as I was walking to the train. He told me he wasn’t hitting on me, which I honestly didn’t think he was doing until he said it. I told him I didn’t have any time to speak at the moment and he told me earlier in the conversation he had a card but didn’t make any moves to offer it to me after declining his request to speak somewhere. It was all too much in the wake of the Weinstein I felt stupid and a little slighted that 1) I didn’t get that card, 2) was possibly being coerced into an uncomfortable situation 3) I’m completely overthinking this and that man was just being kind but in this day and age you can never fucking tell so you have to put your guard up and keep your wits about you so you don’t fall prey to a ‘nice guy’ trap because men are somehow getting angrier and stealthier about hurting women.

In this day and age, it’s been so hard to grasp reality and today was just super frekkin weird one.

* Note: I wrote that first part while literally on the train as it was happening. Writing is the only thing that kept me sane while I silently suffered. Yes, I feel like I should’ve said something, but I’m awful at confrontation and it paralyzed me. I’m not proud of it and I hope I can find the strength to be more vocal if anything like that ever happens again.

Locker Room Talk

This year has seriously been one full of surprises, most of them horrible and fatal. This year for America has brought to light some very serious issues that have been coursing through the veins of this country, mostly undetected by the mainstream media. However, with the way information is disseminated nowadays, it’s impossible for these problems to continue going unchecked in a vacuum. There has been an unprecedented conversation happening now about race relations and violence, the blistering effects of debt and rising tuition costs, and the exposure of rape culture and how it’s manifested in so many different daily occurrences. 

The latter is my focus for today’s post, as I am simply at a loss that a “presidential” asshole hopeful who has unapologetically spewed hatred for the past year and a half STILL has this steadfast crazy base that is now defending his deplorable view of women. After the tape was released of him saying things that, let’s face it, aren’t all that staggering considering his track record. So okay, it’s not that his super fans are defending him, it’s that the women who are diehards seem to be unwavered by his words. This is so worrisome on so many levels. More specifically how he’s being defended and how he chose to defend himself by saying more or less everyone talks like that. “Locker room talk” is not an excuse for boasting about sexual assault. It has opened up this Pandora’s Box of how a part of this country responds to unacceptable treatment of women, because they feel this kind of talk is okay as long as it’s behind closed doors, in “locker rooms.”

Speaking with such gusto about that kind of disrespect is indicative of how you feel about women, it’s not a separate occurrence. There’s something so abhorrent about the idea it’s okay to objectify women as long as they don’t ever know about it. Also, the way republican men responded to the video, first mentioning that they all had mothers (DUH) and wives and daughters as if not having these women in your life would make you unable to understand the pure chauvinism in the words Trump used. Don’t get me started about Billy Bush’s cackling and him insisting on getting a hug from the celebrity woman they met off the bus. Freaking so disgusting. Gives me the creeps. It reminds me of those times when I’m at the bar and I overhear dudes talking amongst each other about women around them. They go over their “game plan” on how they’re going to get the girl to talk to them and it’s never with something simple, like saying freaking hi. It’s always something weird and creepy, like, “dude you bump into her…” like they’re the Harlem Globetrotters of hitting on women. It’s ridiculous. 

The silver lining of this horrendous leak is the fact that we’re addressing the misogyny that has become all to familiar and normalized. 

No more. It’s time to take responsibility for the way you talk about women, men. IT’S TIME.

Go Ahead And Wear That G-String, Girl.

There’s been a lot going around on the internet about women not valuing themselves for one reason or another and I’d like ask why we’re so quick to judge these women because of their wardrobe and how detrimental that is to feminism. 

This all started with that post by Ayesha Curry who wrote a seemingly innocent tweet about some women she was observing in a magazine that were (I guess?) scantily clad and she explained how she only let the person who matters most see her goods or whatever and that’s totally fine. Subsequently, this tweet sparked an interesting array of responses, but the most troubling one was the idea that women who dressed a certain way could not be considered “classy” whatever the hell that means. My question is this: What’s the point of demonizing women for being proud of their assets and psycho analyzing their decision to wear a contour dress instead of a potato sack? 

Women are constantly being looked down on because of the severe lack of respect and countless, exhaustingly vapid portrayals of women- especially women of color. We are pigeonholed as “angry” or “loud” or “strong,”- but in this context it makes it seem like “strength” is an attribute that’s hard and unfeeling as we face adversity, but this is simply not true. It’s as if society doesn’t want us to share in the same spectrum of human emotion as white women. We are not very often portrayed in media as demure or soft-spoken, gentle and whimsical. More often than not in entertainment, we are the straight-talker, no nonsense haver, but rarely the quirky love interest or heaven forbid the manic pixie dream girl. Instead our representation is reduced to some other viewpoint that strips us of dimension. Yes, there are exceptions, but the overarching reality remains the same. Prejudice is still alive and well.

And don’t get me started about some of these glorified gangster music videos. A medium where black women are merely objects to be ogled at and often referred to as trophies or more detrimentally, conquests. The term “video hos,” or my personal favorite, “vidoe vixens” as I’m sure we’ve all heard used to describe women dressed in g-strings or twerking behind some schmuck rapping about jets or something, is just plain problematic. The women in those videos are there as ornaments, a testament to this warped notion that masculinity = disrespecting femininity. It doesn’t matter if those women have degrees, have an interest in marine biology or are amazing artists, in those moments we are to forget there are humans behind that mesh tank top and that’s bothersome. I digress.

My point is, there is enough influence out there that is making it hard to just be a black woman in society without us being so judgmental within our own community. Hell. Women, all of us. It’s hard to be a woman in a society that is declaring war on your body and mind and uses subtle tactics to maintain this helter-skelter patriarchy that’s honestly not helping anyone. We as women need to ban together when sentiments like these are spread like wildfire and our sisters are held to these intrinsically sexist standards of how a “real woman” should behave or a “genuine woman” should dress. This extends to another horrible notion that women of color who straighten their hair or wear weave are not as “educated” or “artistic.” Because they don’t have dreads down to their kneecaps, they can’t be sculptors or because they’re wearing long straight extensions, they can’t be chemists. I am so tired of hearing stuff like that, but I’ll save that for a different post entirely. Phew.

Anyway, don’t get me wrong, people are entitled to their own opinions. HOWEVER, if those opinions are perpetuating a construct made to repress and persecute female sexuality, then those opinions need to be reexamined.