Don’t Get It Twisted.

I’ve been perusing a lot of stuff on race because it’s a subject I really like reading about and hearing different people’s opinions can unearth interesting perspectives. However, I’ve been noticing a trend in comments sections (my all time favorite part of an article) that has made me very uneasy. It has to do with (mostly) black women who date outside of their race. There is this idea that those women are all hateful of their race, don’t respect black men, and are self-loathing or completely lost. I’m here to weigh in on this very frustrating opinion.

This assumption that dating outside of your race automatically deems you as someone who is internalizing racism or racists beliefs is just plain unfair. Regardless of who I’m dating, I know who I am and I don’t appreciate this notion that my voice is less valid because my boyfriend is white. Don’t get me wrong, I understand the ideology behind this inference, but it surely doesn’t mean it applies to every single person of color and it nauseates me to see this view thrown around so loftily like it’s a completely cohesive argument.

Internalized racism is very real and incredibly sad, stemming from systemic racism in a society that is constantly berating you with images and ideas that devalue you, neglect your worth, ignore your existence. I don’t think I would be lying if I said at some point, every person of color living in the US had a moment, however briefly or extensively, where they began to doubt who they were in the context of this messed up culture. 

It took me some time to figure me out and it’s a continuous journey that many people don’t have the privilege to partake in. I’ve realized it’s impossible to please everyone and that sometimes people won’t like me for whatever reason, but instead of worrying about the endless criticism of other people, I had to become steadfast in what I believe and not let anyone tell me who I am. It’s annoying because regardless of how I feel about race in society, there will be someone who will be suspect of my thoughts and use who I’m dating to nitpick my ideas. So, when I read comments, like “then she went back to her white boyfriend,” referring to Lupita Nyong'o after she weighed in about the Oscar’s lack of diversity, it irks me because who she’s dating has no reflection on her opinion on the matter and bringing it up just seems petty. 

Again, I’m not denying the very real truth that in some cases there are black women who are choosing not to date black men because of backwards logic, but I’ll be damned if I let someone else call my opinion about my own race invalid because I’m dating someone outside of it. Blanket statements never helped anyone, so how about we stop doing it.

People are entitled to their own opinion and I’m sure I’ve known people who have this idea that I’m not “black enough,” but I assure all of them, that I most certainly am. No matter what, I am a black woman in this world experiencing life in my brown body regardless of what ANYONE says. Black men don’t have to constantly think about if the white woman they’re dating makes them seem “less black,” so what is it about a black woman dating a white man that throws people into a tailspin? Love is love. I’m not any less or more black because of who I date so I would appreciate reserving a criticism like this for someone like, oh I dunno, Stacey Dash. 

Oh, and while we’re here. YES, THE OSCARS ARE SO WHITE AND IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE BECAUSE THERE WERE SO MANY AMAZING PERFORMANCES BY PEOPLE OF COLOR. It’s an issue not only because the academy is blatantly ignoring the beautiful work of people of color, but there is a direct correlation between an Oscar nod and a fatter paycheck. It smells a lot like institutional racism to me. Just saying…

Dat Single Life

I am always fascinated by articles I read about dating nowadays. It’s fun to see that other people are observing this painfully intricate dance of pretending and indifference that has become normalcy for courtship. I’m not sure when this change occurred. I like to think it happened right when I graduated college because that’s just the kind of luck I have and how lovely it would be to not only be thrown into the financial crisis but a nonchalant dating scene as well. Double whammy.

The article that made me want to expand on my experience in the human hustle is this thought catalogue article. Not only does it outline everything I find deplorable about dating, but it reveals a very true and sad undercurrent of fear and insecurity that has manifested itself in the worst ways. Most of those “trends” are a direct result of protection. Nobody wants to get hurt. However, in some cases heartbreak is inevitable. I think people need to stop being so terrified to experience something that brings us together. Breakups are awful, but so is letting someone you actually care about get away in hopes of preserving your feelings that have gotten hurt anyway because that person thinks you don’t give a shit about them, do you see this awful cycle? Showing someone you like them and want to see them shouldn’t be this entirely shameful action where you feel pathetic for wanting to see someone you like. Oh, especially if the feelings are mutual. It’s beyond me why people can only hang out a few times a month so as not to seem too interested in each other. Ridiculous. Honestly, I wonder if it’s because we’re all basically told everyday that our attention spans are continuously waning. Maybe that’s where the apprehension comes in. If you hang out with someone too much you’ll start to get bored. Well then isn’t it better to happen sooner rather than spending months figuring it all out? I’m rambling.

There was this other thing I saw on Imgur that was a screenshot of some dude trying RELENTLESSLY trying to speak with a lady he was kind of desperately enamored by. Though the way she dealt with the situation was not to tell him she wasn’t interested, but to use one of those popular dating tactics of ignoring someone like they’re one of those ghosts in Super Mario and if hold  Y and down Mario turns into that statue and the ghost(s) won’t see you. The pathetic guy is the ghost in that incredibly convoluted scenario. Anyway, all this girl had to do was say, NOT INTERESTED, instead of allowing this dude to continuously message her for months on end.( I won’t get into how incredibly strange it is these kids are called “thirsty.” It sounds super gross. Thirsty for what!?) It seems like one of those situations where maybe the recipient of these messages was getting I dunno a bit of an ego boost from this poor guy? It’s awful to put things like that on the internet, because people have feelings. 

What I’ve been meaning to say, before going off on many tangents, is we shouldn’t be so scared to get hurt and we shouldn’t be so hesitant to show how we feel. I’ve totally witnessed and embarrassingly participated in perpetuating these “trends,” and I can say wholeheartedly say they suck and rarely lead to positive results. That’s just me, though. Also, I’m pretty positive I have no idea what I’m doing 98% of the time. The whole “dating game” has completely eluded me. Rarely do I find myself excited about potential fellows for those very trends I can barely keep up with and follow. Though, I must say I am totally content with “dat single life” right now. 

As I get older I’m becoming more and more comfortable with the fact that I am completely clueless when it comes to the whole “dating game” thingy. I should probably start collecting cats now.