There’s been a lot in the news about gender inequality, general horrible occurrences involving women, and a steady undercurrent of misogyny in all corners of the internet. This coupled with my own realizations about internalized prejudice about womanhood finally came to a head when I was asked if I wanted to see Captain Marvel and my visceral reaction was no way. I chalked up my immediate knee-jerk decision to not knowing anything about the superhero themselves and being uninterested in learning. However, upon further examination of these troubling thoughts, I realized it was much more than not knowing who Captain Marvel was, but coming to the conclusion my indifference stemmed more from this character being a woman.

I know. I was upset with me too, and I’ve been spending these last few days trying to understand how I could have succumbed to the anti-women narrative surrounding this movie without reading or seeing a single piece about it. As I mentioned previously, I was coming to terms with my own feelings of inadequacy. This stemmed from an acknowledgement about a personality trait I’ve harbored most of my life as a result of, what I think, being a woman in this patriarchal society. I’m not saying my experience is reflective of every woman, because obviously we all have our own journeys that mold us into who we are, but I wanted to share mine.

My scary spiral started when it came to my attention I haven’t gotten a raise in a few years and I started researching my current role, finding I wasn’t being paid even close to market. In charge my friends- self-doubt, pity, and anger at myself- along with my homeslice, relentlessly-berating-myself wondering how I could’ve let this happen.

Generally, I’ve been described as “chill,“ which never bothered me before, but then started to associate that term with docile, weak, feeble, unworthy. My once coveted calm and collected demeanor became something I started to hate about myself and was upset I let that part of me leak into my work life. I don’t mind being described as even-tempered, but when it comes to fighting for myself and my worth, there was a piece of me that always told myself I knew how to do that. There was a piece of me that knew if I were taken advantage of I would instinctively know what to do and handle the situation accordingly. It never occured to me that being “chill” meant I was forgiving transgressions and not understanding my worth.

I started taking necessary steps to rectify the situation, but the damage was done. I blamed myself for not speaking up sooner and started re-examining the how I interacted on a daily basis. I read a number of articles about women in tech and women in the workforce and discovered I wasn’t the only one who felt undervalued. In so many aspects of our lives, women are told to stay in their place and not be too boisterous, and though this sentiment is certainly shifting, it’s still going to take some time to permeate and become the new normal.

I got angry at myself for not speaking up, then came internalizing that anger and becoming aggressively critical and embarrassingly jealous of the women around me who haven’t fallen into docility. It wasn’t fair and it was absolutely a mechanism to make myself feel better. All of this to get back to Captain Marvel- arguably the most powerful character in the entire Marvel universe. Her story should have given me excitement. The thought of her being this indelible force that cannot be contained is a powerful testament to womanhood, but being lost in my own dumb issues blinded me to this.

Luckily, I watched it anyway, because there was a part of me that knew I had to, and I’m so glad I did. I won’t include any spoilers here, but the friendships between the women in the movie, the message of being comfortable with who you are, questioning the establishment, and not letting anyone tell you who you are has resonated so deeply in me. I left that movie feeling so empowered and so grateful to have my perspective and so much more willing to forgive myself. Definitely, still going through the motions, but making an effort to read, watch, and listen to even more women. I am so much more powerful than I give myself credit for. We all are.

I’m forgiving myself and being more gentle. Acknowledging change is hard, but definitely worth it. I look forward to working through this and becoming a better woman and human.

It’s mf International Women’s Day and I embrace all of my ladies from all walks of life just fighting through the bullshit, powering through the patriarchy, douching out misogyny, and stomping on antediluvian notions of femininity.

Get ready world. This bitch bites.
Omg, that was so cheesy. Okay I’m done.