I have said it many times before, I truly believe everyone should go to therapy, but in the past few years with the undeniable influx in people wanting to cope with the anxiety and depression this pandemic has produced or exacerbated, the amount of clinical jargon being thrown around has reached a critical mass. People are starting to weaponize therapy as a means of control or explaining away shitty behavior. Of course, I’m referring to the recently leaked texts of one Jonah Hill, a celebrity who once played a teenager obsessed with drawing elaborate, beautiful pics of male genitalia. I’m sorry, I literally cannot see him without replaying that scene from Super Bad. I digress…

I won’t add all the texts here, but here’s a link where you can read them. It’s appalling how he used therapy buzzwords to justify controlling his then gf and the situation. However, what really FLOORED me was the repulsive response in the aftermath of those texts being shared.

They were disturbing and they were coming from someone who has openly discussed their dealings with mental health and even made an ethically questionable documentary with his therapist. He was someone who seemed to understand the necessity of learning your self and coping with issues. He seemed like someone who was intensely self-aware and trying to be a better human, but of course I don’t know him personally. This is just how he came across with PR, selective communications. Yeah, there were always rumors about him being unpleasant, but with the amount of therapy he was doing, surely he was on the up and up. Maybe he is, but how he spoke to his gf is a huuuuge red flag.

There were a lot of men and women who agreed with how the boundaries were communicated and felt comfortable with how he made demands and gave an ultimatum. Being open with your loved one about your feelings and how their actions affect you is absolutely complicated, but telling someone if they do certain things then they have to make the decision to leave is straight up manipulation and control. I think the reason so many people agreed with Jonah is because it’s become normalized to expect this kind of relinquishing of self when in a heteronormative relationship. That means suppressing pieces of yourself and not doing activities that are deemed “inappropriate” based on the societal conditioning of women vs. men, feminine vs. masculine.

So when Jonah outlined what he’s not willing to put up with, including her hanging out with friends from her wild past, posting pics of herself in bikinis, surfing with men, and MODELING a lot people agreed because as a woman, society has impressed upon us that we are sexual objects and not full fledged human individuals with complex emotions and -gasp- opinions. So once we’re in a relationship any previous enjoyments we had that did not include this puritanical purity should never be had again. No, society screams, now is the time to fully commit to your man, which apparently means doing whatever he says without question.

To me, the agreement with how he expressed himself to his gf, giving her an ultimatum and shaming her for taking pics in her BATHING SUIT is the most nefarious thing. Because these are men and women out in this world, fulling believing it is okay to communicate that way to your partner without any kind of self-reflection.

A lot of the comments say, well he told her to leave, so she should’ve left. No. That’s not fair and that’s not how you communicate boundaries. Suggesting someone who makes a living as a surfer and model give up those things is preposterous. A boundary isn’t telling someone they can’t do something or else they can leave. A boundary is explaining what you’re going to do if your needs aren’t met. He should have ended the relationship because she was living her life and he wasn’t okay with what she was doing. Instead, he made her feel guilty and ashamed of her friends, her social media presence, and most insanely the sport that has given her quite a bit. That’s not healthy. It’s not healthy to tell someone not to do things because you’re insecure.

I sincerely hope there are women making moves to protect themselves if they’re experiencing what his ex-gf described. A relationship should make you feel good about yourself and your partner should give you space and freedom to be who you are. I hope everyone finds that with someone and I hope this incident creates a healthy dialogue and helps people see that therapy doesn’t automatically absolve someone of being a not so great person.

I know there are more important things going on in this world besides this, but the response really struck me and compelled me to write. I am honestly still processing (and reading) about the Supreme Court’s affirmative action decision and the host of other disappointments of the past few weeks/months. This country really is starting to scare me. Before it seemed like a manageable minority making demands and condemning people for challenging the status quo. Now those scary ideas I’ve been seeing on twitter from handles like -string of numbers-patriot are starting to be written into law. We are living in a crucial time right now where it really feels like there’s a scale of good and evil in our midst that’s ever tipping in the wrong direction. I’m trying to stay positive. My little sister is coming to visit tomorrow! I’m grateful I still have friends and family that make me feel safe and sane (on the most part). I’m holding onto that and trying to make sense of everything else. Until then, I’m focusing on fun activities and people who bring me joy. I highly recommend.