I am feeling overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with confusion, doubt, anger, frustration, panic, restlessness. All the emotions just seem to be toiling away while the world lurches downward in this endlessly chaotic doom spiral.
I saw Beyoncé perform this past Sunday and being at her show is such an experience it makes you question what it is that you’re doing in your life that’s preventing you from feeling as free and excited as you are in those 2+ hours. It has you questioning your path and passion and the choices you’re making to find your happiness. Okay, maybe not everyone felt that way at the show, but Oprah and Gayle did (!) as I’m sure many, many others. They had so many wonderful things to say about it, including Gayle being so fired up, she would’ve torn into raw meat. Some friends joked Bey was forming an army…. GIRL, I WILL BE A SERGEANT.
Now fast forward to today. It’s been two full days since the concert and I can’t shake this sinking feeling that I’m not doing enough to get to where I want to be. But then again, I don’t entirely know what “where I want to be” is. I more so think of my future and success as a feeling- to be surrounded by love and unburdened. I’m not sure what exactly it is I’m doing, but I like to imagine it’s writing something for an audience of curious people or avid explorers. Maybe I’m traveling to immerse myself in culture and share my experiences. Or maybe I’m just spinning stories to entertain and have people escape into their expanding, spectacular imaginations. Maybe I’m not doing anything at all and sitting on a beach marveling at the expanse of the ocean and the enormity of existence. Just being. I don’t know, but I do know is I really want to get to that state of euphoria and carefreeness.
It’s been a rough couple of weeks. Unimaginable statements about slavery being made, increased hateful violence, homophobia, and transphobia resulting in incredibly tragic loss of life, the globe warming causing record temperatures and unpredictable weather, people seeking refuge and being unhoused in the streets of NYC. All of this as we all continue to also deal with our own personal lives, relationships, (lack of) self-care, future planning or not planning. It’s all so much to consider as we continue to go to work, doing these tasks that oftentimes feel meaningless in the grand scheme of things, but cannot be ignored lest you lose your livelihood.
I was just on LinkedIn and saw Naughty Dog is closed for a wellness break. They’re closed from today through the weekend and back Monday. Inspired.
It still is baffling that even after the devastation of this ongoing pandemic with literally millions of lives lost while thousands more continue to lose their lives, we have not stopped for any significant amount of time to reflect on what is one of the most deadly events in recent history. We worked through it. We continue to work through it all. It’s unhealthy, and it’s frankly inhumane. The wheels of capitalism must keep rolling so there’s nothing we can do… sigh. I’m having a moment. This too shall pass, but I do want to start being more intentional about where and how I spend my time to maximize the positivity that is undoubtedly out there and very much in my life. Good things are happening! Just, right now I need some time to wallow. Anyone else feeling the crushing weight of everything?!
Gonna go watch my Bey clips on repeat (like the one below) and remember there’s always ice cream.