A phrase that I’ve seen in the last several years that has become not only a perfect descriptor for people who take things too seriously on the internet, but also a warning of being comfortably immersed in a world of perception is “too online.” A combination of never truly facing the pandemic, its aftermath, and the ongoing effects, along with this ever evolving internet culture that confuses witty banter online with genuine connection and has led to parasocial relationships where someone feels entitled to share their opinions and be downright inappropriate with someone they follow online. I have seen this on many occasions involving celebrities and non-celebrities alike, the former being a little different as there is an element of privacy you unfortunately lose being that recognizable. I want to emphasize here that it is bananas that this society at large, yes you entire world, has created a normalcy with celebrities’ personal lives being objectified and criticized mercilessly. People can share whatever they like about themselves, but it becomes a problem when it’s shared without consent. Anyway, that’s not what I want to talk about today, but I still find it incredibly uncomfortable that I know some stranger’s favorite color and bra size…sigh… So this brings me to the few events that have happened that I want to share.
Online Event
My company had an online event last week where they focused on video creators and content creation. It was mainly for marketing, and also incorporated a lot of thoughtfulness around the hardship of creativity and how to unblock the flow of ideas that oftentimes get stuck in your head due to fear, overwhelming deadlines, and really just life.
The beginning of the presentation was fraught with so much negativity that it was downright astonishing. The presenter, an award winning host, opened up the event with a lot of energy, explaining what the rest of the day would hold, walked through the different break out sessions, and encouraged engagement in the chat. Almost immediately, the chat was alight with how bored they were, how the presenter sounded like a car salesman, how people felt like they were wasting their time because the sessions didn’t start immediately. The person presenting was a Black man and I even read a comment about him being “jive ass,” which felt indelibly racist. It went on like this for a good half hour. Other event goers were equally surprised and were telling people to calm down and be respectful. It was out of control. This was a free professional event put on by a company, not a hapless chatroom, but people really felt so comfortable being incredibly mean and antagonistic. Eventually they cooled off and the rest of the event went super positively. I thought it was really helpful and I was proud of how everything was presented. It felt authentic and realistic, but I couldn’t believe how inappropriate the chat space was in the beginning. I’m literally still thinking about it!
Pile On
I follow this content creator on Instagram and she had a 3-part story talking about how she moved from Atlanta to NY and got an apartment in East Flatbush that has been inconvenient for her. She was just expressing how doing more research would’ve prevented this little mishap and how hard it is living that far from the train (20-30 minute bus ride to the closest subway). She didn’t say anything about not liking the neighborhood, but the location of her apartment is the bane of her existence. But because the internet is a toxic cesspool of people waiting to pile on, because she mentioned the neighborhood name and the ones that border it, people somehow felt she was attacking those neighborhoods. Her words taken out of context. People starting inferring a lot about her and her personality. They leaned on that tired viewpoint that non-native NYs, should move out of NY. She was complaining about something we all know can be frustrating. Living next to a train is ideal.
So this creator took back to Instagram to apologize for her videos, which she certainly didn’t have to do, but it was also a way for her to address some things she left out of the videos and provide some clarity around her persona, which was also being criticized. It was all really sad, because she’s such a talented creator and some of these insults seemed so personal. She just wanted to live near a train. C’mon. Someone mentioned in her comments that it’s the city’s poor planning that is truly to blame. Agreed!
Okay, so those two events happened within quick succession of each other and made me start thinking about how it feels even harder to express yourself online or even hold space for a public audience without the inevitability of harassment and abuse. The internet has been around for a long time. The landscape seems to be continuously expanding in ways we’re still grappling with and culture is just trying to keep up. I think we need to start teaching internet etiquette a course on empathy in schools. Being online doesn’t give you the right to be mean to someone because your name is hotbox79173 and not your actual name. There is a jarring lack of empathy in our soceity that is causing this polarization and giving people the audacity to say hurtful things.
It strips away the humanity of an individual when they’re not seen as a person but a persona or an idea and not a human. We are all complex beings, capable of holding so many different beliefs and ideals, but when it comes to being online, it’s like we’re all reduced to someone else’s perception. Social media is a curated story people tell about themselves online. It isn’t real. No matter how much we want to believe we know our favorite creator, we simply don’t. That is okay! I’m not sure where this obsession with feeling like your friends with a someone who has a large following or is just someone you consistently agree with came from but it is extremely unhealthy.
Stans replacing fans, and how accessible people can seem online has exacerbated parasocial relationships. One easy example here is EM. He is a billionaire who tanked the whimsy that was Twitter and has a personality, from what I can tell, equivalent to that of a wet sock full of hornets. His life story has been shared ad nauseum and he is always tweeting something stupid. However, he has a hugeee following. There are people defending his boring personality and horrible takes in all sorts of forums and spaces. He has no idea they exist, yet they defend him with a fury, including details about him to make their point(s). It’s wild. They’re little parasites that feed off of EM and he has no idea they’re there. Probably because he’s a parasite himself. Now, I realize I’m being harsh about this man I don’t know, but he’s made a number of statements and insists on keeping himself in the public eye. I do not deem to know if I would actually like him if I met him IRL, but I could comfortably say, I most likely would not.
All I’m saying here is the people deserve more grace. There are some instances where a public dragging is absolutely necessary. I’m not saying no one should ever be criticized again. It’s healthy to have a comprehensive opinion about something or someone, the thing I’d want to pause on is how we share those notions and what this person might feel if they’re seeing a slew of these painful insults all at once. It’s hard out there just going through the mundane sequence of life, we could all use a little grace.
Thanks for reading my Saturday afternoon ramblings.