I read that Buzzfeed post 21 Things You’ll Learn Working In Retail and thought, hell, I know a whole lot about the topic so I should expand in my own way. Plus, I’m bored and woke up alarmingly early this Saturday morning. However, this (short) list is going to be more about awful clientele. 

1. There are two types of people that generally come into stores, there are A. Customers that are mindful of the people who have to clean up after them when they’ve unfolded a tee shirt (or fifteen), and B. Sloven a-holes who tear through the store like a tornado leaving articles of clothing in their wake, on the floor, on top of fixtures, in the fitting room. These people are called heathens and they are the worst people in the world.

2. Phone Talkers - Get off of the phone if you’re going to ask me a question, or at least pretend you give an inkling of care to my answer. Listen, hearing about Jenny breaking up with Steve while Mariah is hooking up with Sally is not really information I would ever need to know, nor do I wish to know. Having in-depth conversations about menial, pointless things going on in your life in small stores not only makes associates furious, but it also disturbs other POLITE customers who are innocently trying to shop for stupid graphic tees.

3. Air Talkers - These people just yell things into the ether and assume I’ll know they’re speaking to me. Without so much as a glance in my direction, someone will ask a question about a size or whether or not the jacket they’re holding is for women and expect a prompt answer from me when I am yards away from them. It’s even better when they’re not in plain view and I have to go searching for these morons  patrons. It’s mind boggling the way people treat employees in customer service. What I want to say is, “Oh, by the way, I am a human and you can totally speak to me as such. I promise you don’t have to talk slow or anything, ya douche.” Instead, I smile and throw daggers with my eyes.

4. Surly Shoppers - For whatever reason these people are having a bad day, and instead of going home, eating ice cream and marathoning any number of series on Netflix, like a normal person, decide to shop and spread they’re vile attitude to the rest of the world, like a disease. Burdening unsuspecting fellow shoppers with condescending looks, Surly Shoppers roll their eyes when you greet them nicely. Instead of receiving a “hello” or at least a smile in return, you get an unnecessary look of disapproval or a blank stare. GET THE HELL OUT OF MY STORE, I want to yell at them. Strangely enough, everything they’re looking for is conveniently out of stock.

5. Crazies - Out of all of the types of customers that come into the store, these are, by far, the most entertaining. Be it a woman dressed in all purple, pushing her dog in a stroller, or the homeless man talking to himself then astutely inquiring about towels, Crazies always keep me entertained and a little bit nervous. As you can imagine being crazy also means being unpredictable. However, nothing ridiculous has happened to me while I’ve worked in any stores, there are plenty of horror stories out there. People getting maced for example. There was also an associate who had to bang on a fitting room door because a couple felt that particular spot was an acceptable place to have sex, then there was that time someone touched a used tampon while cleaning out a fitting room. Yes, being in retail, you pretty much hear it all. People are generally disgusting, no offense people, but yikes. Man, the fitting room is a whole different terrifying, disturbing subject. Maybe some other time…

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