After months of debate, I have decided to move to a small island off the west coast of Madagascar. Off the grid. It’s a hard decision, but after reading about a Cars sequel I’m definitely ready to be finished with humanity.

This decision may come as a shock as my affinity, borderline startling obsession with the internet has been an ever growing part of my identity, but I am willing to lose that part of myself in order to be rid of movie sequels, the paralyzing fear of being hit in the face when I hear, “Showtime!” and of course all the other horrible faults of humanity like Crocs and vegan dairy products. It’s a good time to be off the grid considering there’s lots of tangible information on the interwebs to do so. Thank goodness Honda’s offering a DIY car:

This will definitely make things easier. I’ll just build it so it can run on feelings of solitude and black beans.

I’ve been thinking about what I’ll take with me and have settled on bringing Infinite Jest for entertainment because it will probably take me the rest of my life to finish it, one last burrito from Taco Bell in hopes I can recreate it’s incredible cheesy goodness with twigs, berries, and really anything else I can get my hands on, and finally I will bring Finn & Jake from Adventure time because they seem like pretty solid company to have around.

I have some time though, I don’t plan on moving until the middle/end of April. April 20th to be exact. On that day I will renounce my ties with humanity (my phone and computer), pledge my unyielding devotion to the great Spaghetti Monster and hop on the Black Pearl to this tiny island of unicorns, fallen Star Wars characters, and talking animals.

I can’t wait. I’ve already started packing.

April Fool’s. I’m really moving to Middle Earth.