We are tired.

I used to be scared to write about times where I’ve faced racism at the workplace or encountered an annoying microaggression, because I was afraid of how I would be perceived and how it would affect me professionally. I held onto this idea that it was better to be silent than labeled “uppity.” Now more than ever, it’s becoming increasingly clear how important it is to continuously voice concern, heartbreak, and sadness for what’s happening on a huge scale and a personal one. I’ve experienced some weird uncomfortable situations that I wanted to share in the past but felt like I needed to censor myself. I realized now this is just another form of oppression that I internalized and finessed into self-preservation, instead of examining why I felt so stifled and scared to talk about events that affected ME. Instead I chose to write about race on a broader scale so as not to potentially make white people in my life uncomfortable, but their discomfort isn’t the end of the world. Discomfort is how we evolve, how we heal. I was so worried about calling shit out that I just simply didn’t.

I got tired of doing that. I got tired of feeling like I needed to change who I was or dial back my thoughts because of this unnamed force who would potentially keep me from getting a better job or progressing my career. Being unapologetically who I am has been something I’ve truly valued, but I was still being so careful about who I was when writing for my blog. Never again. I can’t be scared to be who I am because who I am is someone whose voice deserves to be heard. The thought that I’d been second-guessing myself for so long was truly disappointing. Yes, it took some time to really get to the root of this restraint, but I’m glad I came to this realization years ago with no fear and no regret.

I write all this because it’s just a testament to the number the system has done on me and continues to do to the black community. This was just one infinitesimal way society has bred the notion that our lives don’t matter. Now, think about the justice system, the political system, even the entertainment industry. All of these machines of oppression doing so on so many levels trickle down into the psyches of all society. Seeing black men and women arrested at alarming rates for committing the same crimes as their white counterparts who don’t face the same consequences. Look at all the people in power in our government, they have not once in the entire history of the country been representative of its diversity. They’re all old white men and women. Goodness, the amount of TV I used to watch growing up making whiteness the epitome of beauty and morality, while literally using darker skinned characters to portray “the bad guy” was all but too common. It makes me think of that painful video of children who were asked which doll is prettier and the black children all chose the white doll. Heartbreaking. There are laws that perpetuate prejudice, people in office who embody racism - THE PRESIDENT, and all sorts of media that use whiteness as a benchmark/default.

You know it’s coming... We were brought here on slave ships. Our culture torn asunder, our traditions destroyed, our existence diminished, but we overcame all of that and built ourselves up from literally nothing over the years. Mind you, Jim Crow wasn’t that long ago. I think people constantly forget how recent. Even with the system stacked against us, we were able to establish businesses, gain wealth, buy property, hold office, develop cures, innovate, create art, and maintain a strong sense of self even though this country is constantly trying to destroy it. The sentiments being echoed in the protests that have been happening around the country are not new. The Black Lives Matter movement is recent, but the principles of our lives being valuable and equal to everyone else’s lives are ones we all grew up knowing within our culture. However, we weren’t seeing our lives valued by everyone else.

This tension had an inevitable breaking point. How much longer did society expect us to continue moving along with the status quo while our brothers, sisters, mothers, friends, family were being gunned down in the street with no remorse, without consequence, and SO FREQUENTLY. We are tired of reminding people our lives matter. We are tired of our pleas to stop killing us fall on uncaring ears. We are tired of having to defend our anger and explain our frustration. We are tired.

It’s not just the cops, it’s the vigilantes, the domestic terrorists open firing at churches, it’s white people holding on to a society that is unfair and unjust because they’re afraid of what equality looks like. We can no longer continue this charade that everything is okay. Everything is not okay.

I’m still processing and trying to figure out my part in everything. I had to leave work early yesterday because I was so overwhelmed by the state of the world and doing work-related tasks while cities burned just felt impossible. I am insanely grateful to be lucky enough to be employed during this time, but having to be engaged during meetings, and contribute to conversations has been incredibly tough.

Donating has been something I’ve been doing where I can and where I know it’s going to people and causes that need funds, but it doesn’t feel like enough. Nothing feels like enough right now, but here are some other places to donate, besides the Minnesota Freedom Fund in case you’re looking for more ways to give:

The Bail Project
Black Visions Collective
Black Lives Matter
Brooklyn Community Bail Fund

While all this is going on, be sure to take care of your mental health, drink lots of water, and let’s make change happen together.