I’m realizing the constant consumption of news is killing me slowly, so I’m trying something new this month to break away from the humdrum and just downright depressing nature of political discourse. In celebration of Black History Month and my desire to stay sane I’m going to be writing a bit differently. At least on Fridays. I’ve decided to start a new series I’m calling Fiction Fridays for the month of February where I’ll be sharing a short story of fiction of some sort. Who knows how long this will last, but I’m gonna try and have fun with it! Today’s story is called:
Clowning Around
“Hello, you’ve reached Lots of Lofts, this is Lynn. How may I direct your call?” There was a lengthy pause, “Hello, is anyone there?” Shuffling could be heard in the background and a thud. A door slammed in the distance. “Uh, yeah, sorry. I’m yes. Um.” Another pause. Lynn could almost hear him desperately piecing together his thoughts. She let him take his time before speaking again, “Sorry, yes. Okay, I just moved into my loft today and um. I don’t even know how to say this without sounding insane. Okay. I moved all my stuff in and went down the street to grab lunch. I walked back into the apartment and a bunch of clowns in, um, varying states of dress were in here. They’ve mostly all gone, but a few of them are refusing to leave. They told me you had an agreement with them?” Lynn rolled her eyes. Not again. She composed herself and spoke, “Can you tell me your first and last name and which unit you just moved into, please?”
“So, you do have an agreement?”
“Sir, I’m just going to need the information I asked for so I can better assist you.”
“Yeah of course, it’s just. You don’t seem phased at all by what I’ve just told you and now I’m curious.”
“Sir, Lots of Lofts is more than a real estate firm. I’m not at liberty to say more than that but you can check our website for more information. Can I please have your first and last name and address to the unit?” Lynn could have explained the many offerings of the company, but she knew the conversation would lead down a dark, perplexing rabbit hole nobody had time for at the moment. She had to prioritize what was important and right now the most important thing was getting the clowns handled.
“What?! What kinds of offerings? Website. Right. Sorry, okay. Um, Jim Leads and the apartment is at 299 East Broadway, apt 4c. Okay, I’m just wondering what I can tell these clowns. Sorry, gentlemen.” He directed the last part away from the phone. The clowns must’ve been close.
“Thank you, Jim. Jim, can you give the phone to one of the clowns- um, gentlemen?”
“What? Why-“
“Please hand the phone over to one of the clowns. We’re gonna need some privacy.” Lynn said firmly.
Jim slowly moved his hand holding his phone away from his ear and extended it in the direction of the clowns.
One of them, Phil, who had on a full face of makeup, an exaggerated purple top hat, and a full bright orange tuxedo smugly smiled and took the phone away from Jim. The other, Leon who only wore a big red nose and a rainbow bob wig had on a pair of dark jeans and a white tee. He was a stoic clown. He calmly asked Jim to join him on one of the many glittery bean bag chairs that were haphazardly placed in the living room. New additions Jim was not happy about. Jim looked at the chair and then at Leon thinking about how months from now he would still be finding little glitter surprises all around his apartment. “I really hate glitter,” he mumbled as he sat down. It’d been a long day so his exhaustion outweighed his hatred. He slumped down and felt the little beads pressing into his back relaxing him while Leon began explaining why so many clowns were under one roof- this roof.
At the same time, Phil continued to stand and looked down at Jim who’s only thought now was how he was going to clean up after they leave. “Sorry Jim, just a second. Hey Lynn.” Phil walked away from the two on the beanbag chairs towards the opposite end of the apartment, out of earshot.
Lynn smiled warmly. “Hey Phil. How are you and the kids?”
“We’re good. Ya know, with everything going on. The clown shortage is certainly being felt. Hoping my work here can make a difference. Just the other day-”
“Busy busy I’m sure,” Lynn interrupted knowing once Phil got started it would be difficult to stop him. She continued, “So, I’m gonna need your guys to get up out of there ASAP. You are supposed to be in 4d.”
“Sugar honey iced tea! You’re right. I’m just looking over our email. Andrew told me 4c and I didn’t double check. Needless to say he’s fired. It’s impossible to find a decent assistant. Might need to expand my search outside of people with A names. Annie, Arnold, and Arnie weren’t great either. I’m so sorry.”
“No problem at all, Phil. Things happen! I think expanding the criteria is a grand idea. I’ll help! For now, just need to make sure the place is vacated. I’ll deal with the new tenant. Can you put him back on, please?”
Phil lightly tapped him on the shoulder. Jim was engrossed in his conversation with Leon and it took several attempts to tear him away. He was slightly disappointed by the interruption. It was all so fascinating. Phil offered his phone back with another fake smile. Jim returned it haughtily. He was now full of even more confusion after speaking with Leon but then immediately annoyed again by the amount of glitter that stuck to his back as he got up.
“Um, so this is a clown rehabilitation group?”
“Ah, so Leon told you.”
“Yeah, why couldn’t you just tell me that?”
"We take the anonymity of the group very seriously, Jim. These are people going through a very tender time."
“Of course. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to sound insensitive.” She could tell he had a million more questions, but was grateful for his politeness in not asking them.
“Now, we should talk about clean up. Can you give me a quick rundown of the apartment’s status? Is it mildly messy or in horrendous havoc?”
“I would say a little more than mildly messy but certainly not in horrendous havoc. There’s glitter, though. It’s all over.” He sounded absolutely disgusted.
Away from the phone, “No, no. It’s totally fine. I understand. Didn’t realize glitter had healing properties. Good luck on your journeys. Yeah, no seriously, it’s fine. It was just a bit jarring seeing you all. You understand. Have a good one!” Jim returned his attention to Lynn. She heard a door shut. “Sorry, just saying bye to the fellas. Great guys.”
“They are aren’t they? Alright, so I’m going to send over a cleaning crew, Jim. Could you give us about 3 hours to get your apartment spic and span? We’re also going to give you a few months free because, well, this is not an ideal first day, is it?”
“That’s great! I’ll go for a movie and dinner. Thank you so much for everything, Lynn. Must be an interesting job.”
“It’s never a dull moment! I’ll have that crew over very shortly. Just a heads up, they will be clowns. Okay, bye Jim have a nice day!”
“Wait. Cl-”
Jim stares at his phone and quickly looks up the website. “Oh wow,” he says out loud to himself, “They really are all about clowns. This is what I get for finding this apartment through Craigslist.”
Fin.