I think I’ve pretty much cried every day for the last week. I’ll be scrolling through Twitter or Instagram and see a message that just hits me in the gut and without warning the waterworks start. The phrase, I feel seen, comes to mind and has never felt more true. I feel seen almost to the point of exposure. I feel raw and sensitive to the touch, but grateful issues within our systems are being discussed out in the open and called out for what they are, racist and predatory.
My emotions continue to be all over the place. Seeing the outpouring of support, the number of people committed to doing the work to be better allies, the messages from my friends asking if I’m okay and understanding I probably won’t be for a very long time. While we’re on that topic. Please understand that your black friends may not want to talk right now. We’re not a monolith. Because I’m (relatively) able to answer that question doesn’t mean everyone is. There is so much to process right now, and sometimes the last thing someone wants is to share these complicated feelings that they’re still sifting through or just don’t want to. I’m not saying don’t reach out, but just be mindful about how you do and understand they may need some time before/if they get back to you. There’s so much coming from so many sides and on top of it all, there is still a global pandemic that’s disproportionately taking our lives.
It’s a lot and social media has been a place to find solace and hope but also reveals the worst in people. Watching videos circulating of white family members checking privilege and explaining why all this is happening to unwilling relatives. Hearing bigot parents fight with their kids trying to defend their prejudice. It’s all so overwhelming. On one side you’re seeing a surge of progress within the youth, on the other the very reason we’re in this situation today. Seeing parents vehemently arguing with their kid that black people want to do drugs and "be ghetto," it really brings everything back to how these ideas are really ingrained and seemingly immovable in the psyche of America. That mindset is exactly why we’re in this position today fighting for our lives because those parents don’t think our lives matter and the thought of change terrifies them.
Something that I’d always imagined is finally happening and it’s amazing but also incredibly painful because it took so long. We have been saying the same things for years. None of the recent police murder and violence is new to our community. We have been suffering for decades under the weight of white supremacy and not given the rights we deserve because our society was too comfortable sitting in bigotry. It served the white majority while we protested death after death, while we spoke of systemic racism, while we told our stories of overt racism, microagressions, and prejudice. It was all deemed apart of the black experience. It is inherent in our lives. Black suffering is normalized. No more.
We’re called "strong" because we suffered and still found ways to thrive, working twice as hard. This is especially true for black women who are often labeled so strong we don’t have feelings. We’re told we’re "inspiring" because the world was built against us, to spite us, but we still held onto culture and/or created our own. Our “success” stories usually negate to state the reason(s) we starting from so much further behind. We’re described as being "cool" because we use our struggle to create and make people laugh, cry, feel, question. We often are setting trends and not getting any recognition or compensation for it -cough- TikTok -cough-. Those words sound positive, but coming from someone who has never tried to understand our history, they feel more like diminishing insults. It’s all apart of being black. Compliments shrouded in ignorance and pity with a drop of disdain.
It’s so important now to continue having those uncomfortable conversations but I will say, I’m still not ready to be apart of them. I know it’s now mostly understood that white people need to do the work and find the resources but I do think it’s helpful to have someone who has gone through the system first hand and can anecdotally connect the glaring inequities in society. BUT dammit, we’ve been trying to have that conversation on a larger scale for years and years, so now we’re exhausted.
I’ve been terrible at disconnecting recently, but really think it’s necessary so I don’t implode. To all my friends out there protesting, it makes me heart swell with pride, but also please be careful. A judge has recently passed a ruling suspending Habeas Corpus, so the police are out here with even more power to destroy and they are in their glory right now ripping through protestors like butter. Please, please be safe. Here are some protesting safety tips, just in case!
As always, here are some places you can donate:
Brooklyn Bail Fund
Free Them All for Public Heath has some great places to donate, but are not taking any more donations themselves while they go through bail disbursement with the overwhelming amount of funds they’ve received. SEE WHAT WE CAN DO WHEN WE BAN TOGETHER!
Emergency Release Fund
Let’s get it.