It’s almost 3:30am and I’m literally in shock.

I’ve never experienced this before. Feelings raging beneath the surface while I sit and listen calmly as the news informs the world that Hillary is not receiving the votes in the states predicted and Trump is making a surprising jump in final counts.

I left the bar feeling numb. I’m still not quite sure I feel anything now, but I do know I can’t sleep and not one of the three presidential elections I’ve voted in has left me this restless and nervous.

Now, it’s not that I’m feeling nothing, I guess. It’s more like I’m feeling so many things at once, it’s impossible to process, so instead, it’s more a steady hum behind my eyes instead of an explosive wave crashing over my body.

This country that I struggled to care for and accept has blatantly made a statement that it certainly does not accept me because its vast majority has elected someone who has unapologetically demonized and marginalized minorities like me with gusto. He has flippantly made comments about women that give us all flashbacks to the countless times we’ve been disrespected and patronized by men, but I don’t have to go through all of the ways in which he is unfit to be president because it doesn’t matter anymore. He is.

This country built on immigrants and slaves with its sordid history of oppression and devastating violence against Native Americans has selected a leader that completely ignores this history and uses fear and manipulation to encourage hatred and perpetuate bigotry. There are an overwhelming amount of people who honestly feel his racist rhetoric is absolute truth, and that is horrifying for me as a woman of color. It’s scary because people with these preconceived notions about who I am and don’t feel I deserve to be treated with respect and dignity are not only in the midwest but all over this country. And now their ideas have been validated by the election of this dangerous, clueless, rotten and moldy discarded orange peel.

I can’t even write anymore, I’m so devastated. I just want to know how we move forward from here. How can we move this country into the future after its reverted back so many years to the good ol’ days and now actually make America great again?

Because right now, a lot of us are scared. A lot of us don’t feel safe, but we are also not going to give up, because together we can accomplish great things.

Sigh. I still can’t believe it’s over folks, and the winner is a  douche-bag doozy.

Okay, time to attempt sleep.  

But one more thing before I go. I keep seeing these headlines about Van Jones “near tears” on CNN and I just want to say I think he was very composed and did not falter while expressing his very valid thoughts on what a Trump presidency meant for people of color and how it might be confusing to explain to your 6 year old that even a “mean bully” could get elected president. 

I want someone to explain to me how this happened like I was 6. What a nightmare. WHAT A NIGHTMARE.

Can I just hibernate for 4 years?