Without fail, when I’m feeling my absolute worst due to a long night or an unexpected early morning, a subway performer or just a run of the mill psycho with a renewed zest for life and evil smiling face disrupts my lethargic journey with abrasive sounds or words. One of my favorite experiences on the train has to be the time where a prophet of the lord’s word decided that 9:30 in the morning was the most opportune time to speak candidly (and extensively) about his women problems that ultimately led to his incredibly sad- sorry, pathetic downfall “away from his faith.” Some favorite bigoted remarks included, “Women will spin a web for men to get caught in. I was so wrapped up in sex and love I didn’t realize I was straying from my path… Women are nothing but a distraction.” and when he said this I imagined, “Oh boy, what did these women do?” Then I quickly realized, “I most definitely don’t want to know.” By now the entire train car is mesmerized by the gall of this guy who is continuously unloading his past unto the weary, feeble ears of us defenseless morning commuters with absolutely no sign of remorse or intellect. Even people with headphones stared at him in awe. “Be careful or sex can make you crazy. Women need to understand what they do to a man.” I even had a moment where I was convinced a reality show was being filmed, like Boiling Point or something, but I didn’t remember watching any episode where there were multiple people competing all at once in such an ineludible place. THERE WAS NO WHERE TO GO. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore, “I didn’t realize what I was doing with all these women was a sin.” It was like some overpowering dogmatic, self-righteous flame was enveloping my ears. I had to get out of there. So, literally, after two stops, I could bear no more of this man’s evil women burden and I, along with many other frustrated individuals moved to another, more quiet, less judge-y train car.

Confession time: Whenever I see people yelling anything on the subway about religion, their lives, the imminent threat of the Illuminati, I wonder what possesses them to feel so passionately about the subject. So amorous that they go out and buy microphones and a speaker to better project their already loud voices, so every syllable reverberates off the buzzing subway doors, ringing resoundingly in your ears. What’s that thing inside people that creates a desire to share some piece of information with the unbridled force of a Titan (Olympian?). Is it pure insanity? Or are we all missing something they’ve caught on to and cannot wrap our minds around because that would mean forgetting everything we’ve learned and believing Elvis was the second-coming, that the president is really apart of an ancient reptilian race, or that the rats are secretly conspiring against us.

Maybe I should start wearing a foil hat on the train. It could be my new summer look. Surely no one would want to utter a sound in my presence fearing what would be going on beneath the tin foil. Feign insanity to avoid insanity. I think I may have stumbled onto something great here. At least my chances of becoming an internet meme would greatly improve. I digress. 

Crazy people on the train drive me crazy. However, it’s not just the loons that annoy me, I’m sorry subway performers, but the minute you subject me to your interminable act on the train you are taking away my right as a human to escape torture. I don’t want to hear your spoken word or original annoying keyboard song. Oh, you have cymbals? I hate you even more. Is that a tuba? NOT COOL, BRO. Stop swinging from that! You will hurt people, and feeling the cool breeze from your sneaker as is whizzes past my nose I am not laughing in joy, I am laughing in manic relief that I narrowly avoided a swift kick to the throat. There is an etiquette about performing on trains. OK, maybe I just made that up, but there should be! I have a few rules for subway performers:

1. Only perform when the subway doors are open to allow people to exit.

2. No more electronica. None of you can do it right. It just sounds like an annoying kids toy.

3. If I see you stay in one train car for longer than two stops, heaven help you.

4. 9 AM is too early. Cool it, and work around noon. You’ll get less scowls. Maybe.

5. If any of you dare perform a Lady Gaga song. Period. On top of that, if it is being played with nothing but a bucket and a sock filled with change, no one will know what song it is. Stop it. Play something else.

I feel like these are doable rules. I am expecting all of the to be followed-STRICTLY- by the end of the month. I’m gonna send them to MTA. In that case, it’ll be more like 3840 months.

In the meantime, Perform responsibly.