It’s impossible not to be affected by what’s happening in this country right now. Within the last week, there have been several mass shootings in cities across the nation, a video was released of another unarmed child being killed at the hands of police, and more bills are being introduced to impede on trans rights, especially trans children. These are attestations that this country still has so long to go when it comes to protecting all of its citizens. This period in time is taking a toll on how we move through our day to day, challenging the negative impacts of the status quo, and more generally is just weighing us down in ways I think we’re all still unpacking.
I keep hearing the term “tinder box” in the news in reference to the tension this whole country is experiencing as we all follow the trial of Derek Chauvin. If I’m not mistaken, Joe Biden is the one who said it.
It’s true, emotions are high and the totality of this trial is beyond a necessary conviction but a testament of whether or not the judicial system will fail black people again. This trial is so much more than one man who unnecessarily and heartlessly took the life of another. It’s more than the movement the death of George Floyd reignited, but it fully encapsulates that all and is now a symbol of what this country is and what it can become. The outcome of this trial represents the numerous deaths at the hands of cops and the unwillingness for the system to hold those cops accountable. The outcome of this trial is how the black community will once again recalibrate where we stand in America and have to respond accordingly. There’s no way you can look at this case and oversimplify what it means. This “tinder box” reference is true, but it also makes me feel like it’s something people use as if to say it’s out of the hands of anyone. That whatever happens happens instead of examining how to avoid the coming explosion. It just seems like, again, some leaders have thrown their hands up and are just waiting for what comes rather than understand how it all happened and making decisions to offset the impending chaos. A tinder box needs a spark and that spark isn’t coming from nowhere, it will be a direct result of whether or not justice can be realized for black people in this country, because it has rarely been before. In the words of Rep. Maxine Waters, “We’ve got to make sure that they know that we mean business.” There has been a lot of controversy around her words and to that all I will say is, a president incited an insurrection on the Capitol addressing a massive crowd of his supporters who were mad an election was fairly won by the opposing party. Rep. Waters was answering journalists’ questions and speaking to protestors who are rightfully angry about police killing people. There is no comparison to be made in good faith that can compare the two ideologies without sinister and wildly unfair bias. I am still not over the severe lack of justice being dolled out to that angry mob on Jan. 6th.
Speaking of lack of justice, today is 4/20. A day I thought was so much fun growing up because it was interesting to see who fessed up to smoking and it was entertaining to see how big companies made sly jokes about marijuana in ads. It’s not a joke, though. It’s really an insult to the millions of people who are currently in jail or who have been in jail for marijuana possession and distribution, because as usual, a disproportionate number of those individuals are black. When I see dispensaries in California and read about new marijuana farms popping up with white people at the helm, it angers me. My boys at Ben & Jerry’s, the definitively best ice cream company in the world, has a great article breaking down the injustice of cannabis incarceration in this country. I will definitely be buying a pint today.
While I have my qualms with the day, I do hope people are taking time to take care of themselves because it has been a helluva week, a helluva month, a helluva year and who knows what’s next. If you happen to have some green on you, it’s not a bad time to use it to relax. Even if you don’t partake, still take some time today to detach, unwind, disconnect, and rest. The world will still be going even if you haven’t refreshed that news page or doom-scrolled for hours.
Me? I am horrible at taking my own advice so have been glued to Twitter stumbling across upsetting event after upsetting event and seeing just how much trauma my eyes can imbibe before nightfall. I highly do not recommend doing this. It’s been tougher than usual to disengage recently. Usually, I can throw my phone somewhere and read or most likely watch an ungodly amount of TV, but the amount of guilt I feel when doing so has lead me to continue doom scrolling. It’s because I know that the people experiencing these horrible tragedies can’t just turn off their phone and ignore what’s happening. Their hurt is permanent to a degree. Hopefully over time they can work through losing their loved one, but that’s an impossible wound to fully heal from. But the pain I’m feeling now? It’s not the same and it feels like a betrayal to try and dull it. The hurt I feel is more transient, but it’s still an accumulation of hurt, and though it subsides, it never dissipates. That doesn’t matter, though, I feel guilty that I have the option of tuning the news out, tuning out details, so I don’t. Now that I’m writing this out it sounds very much like survivor’s guilt, and maybe that’s what it is. Being black in America and surviving everyday is a triumph and some of us don’t for no reason at all. Snatched away by racism that could happen to any of us, at anytime. So this guilt remains when we witness another one of us snatched from existence by the hands of police. It’s an array of feelings shame, confusion, anger, and sadness that I am still here able to live. I haven’t been directly involved in police violence (yet), and I can choose to focus on my mental health, but the lives taken away cannot. The people whose lives have been upended by losing someone they love don’t have the option of ignoring that pain. The people who were just walking or jogging or sleeping don’t have the option to live a new day. It’s the idea that I have an option and that if I choose the one that results in less pain than I’m letting them down somehow. Why should I be relatively happy when there’s so much suffering in the world? It seems selfish in a way I just haven’t been able to reconcile. So that’s where I’m at. Trying to forgive myself for not being able to step away from the news and focus on constructive ways to feel better. Writing certainly helps, and I hope my word soup helps others. I’m off to attempt a better mental health regime, but it’s gonna be a while before I get it right. Watching the Great British Baking Show is always a good place to start…