I’ve been writing pretty frequently these past few months dredging up and explaining feelings of trauma, hopelessness, and trying to find the light at the end of this seemingly endless tunnel. I’m still searching, but for now I need to take a step back from updating and focus on things that will actually make me happy, plus work on more lucrative creative projects. I’ve also been using my blog as a crutch of sorts to avoid pitching/getting published. It’s something I’ve been wanting to do for a long time and need to actually focus on it. A break feels like a realistic step in the direction I want to go. I love writing. I love putting concepts onto paper in ways that I hope are enjoyable and understandable. It’s something I have always genuinely relished, but following politics closely these past several years, especially these last few months, has been extraordinarily draining. I’ve been putting so much time and effort into the political climate and not spreading that energy around to anything outside of campaigns and senate races, policies and debates. People who follow politics for a living in any and every capacity are truly warriors, and I hope those warriors take breaks, too. It’s not easy to be so heavily involved in these systems day in and day out that consistently disappoint and not feel exhausted.

I tried creating Fiction Friday to keep myself focused on writing and away from politics, keep up with some sort of cadence, but that was even proving difficult to maintain. Reality continued to suck the life outta me and crafting a story felt more like a burden than an escape. President Biden being in office is better, yes, but all of the racism, prejudice, and discrimination exists on such deeper levels. It’s so completely engrained in our society. Systemic racism isn’t going to disappear with a new administration. A new commander in chief starts being more and more insignificant in the grand scheme of things, especially when that commander in chief is bombing Syria and not issuing relief for his struggling citizens. Admittedly, I don’t follow American foreign policy as closely, so maybe the bombing was justified but anything that involves casualties of innocent people will always feel wrong. It is wrong. As for President Biden issuing relief or lack thereof, this includes refusing to forgive $50,000 in student loans because he feels, “uncomfortable” by that amount. He has the power to make millions of lives easier, but politics or self-interests or whatever always seems to get in the way of the betterment of the American people. It’s also infuriating that the $2,000 check has mysteriously become $1400 even though we all saw the same ads during the Senate races and Joe Biden’s speeches and were told that full amount would be fought for. It’s still baffling/enraging companies received upwards of millions of dollars, but we’re all supposed to accept that $1400 for a financially sinking population is suitable. There are countries who have given money every week to their citizens and took this virus seriously avoiding our alarming death toll numbers that keep rising. I will never forget how morbidly clumsy this pandemic was/is being handled.

When you understand what really needs to be done to make tangible, sweeping changes takes tremendous effort and compromise of both parties and this entire country, the solutions seem unattainable. They’re not, but, for me, they’ve been feeling impossible for a while which is another reason why I need this break. Cynicism has taken hold, and I need to build up my hope again. I need to be more like the people who have taken tremendous efforts in protecting themselves by muting social media accounts, disconnecting from social media completely, and focusing on their own self-development. I wish I could do that. I know I need to at some point even if it’s just for a week or a month, but it’s much more difficult than I ever imagined to just tune everything out right now. Sometimes I’m jealous of people who can so wholly focus on themselves. Meditating. Doing yoga. Expanding their mind and feeding their souls. I think it’s the guilt that keeps me from completely detaching. Guilt that my improvement is based on virtually ignoring others. Guilt around being privileged enough to be able to detach in the first place. I know that’s not the healthiest way to look at it, but that’s another thing I need to work on. I am worth focusing on and deserve to take a break, gotta keep that mantra up, but I also acknowledge it’s a process and won’t happen all at once.

So yes, it’s time for a break. Just from the blog. Just for a bit, but I need it. We all need a break, really. We’re still in a pandemic after all and the social climate continues to be tenuous. It’s the last Friday of Black History Month, and I’m taking a note from The Nap Ministry and exercising my right to rest. Celebration by relaxation. I hope everyone does the same.

Stay safe. Stay sane. Spread love. Be well.