I had an experience recently where I was involved in a group discussion trying to figure out how to lead, what we’re calling, daring conversations about race and inequality in society. It’s derived from a framework made public by Airbnb’s black employee resource group and outlines different discussion topics to shed light on the current situation, give historical context, and define how to be a better ally.
We were talking about how our team would go about spearheading these initiatives, but then the last few minutes of the meeting were set aside for a check-in. And that’s when I heard it. I couldn’t believe my ears, but someone said something along the lines of, I’m sorry. I have to say it. We’re focusing all this attention on this particular topic, but are we going to talk about other perspectives? My Indian friends even brought up, what about them? My head nearly exploded. To feel so privileged to say something like that without batting an eye, seeing there were two black women in the meeting, this girl had me FLABBERGASTED. I had to leave the meeting! Luckily, before I excused myself the hell outta there, the other black woman who had more patience - I swear she’s a saint - explained why this was so important and even used that house on fire analogy I’m sure you’ve heard/read. Yes, we are focusing on the trauma of black lives right now, because this movement is happening in the moment and it’s like a house on fire. We have to tend to this house first but other perspectives are important. She said something like that and another white woman in the group said the same, Yes we will bring in other perspectives later on in the year and next year, but this is important now. That was where allyship came in, because I had to tap out before my head exploded, but it was so important to reinforce the urgency of having these conversations and yes, focusing on BLM. That kind of support is how we topple the system. Tag-teaming bigotry!

For some reason, although I kept seeing anecdotal references to “what about [insert person, place, thing]” I’d never heard it IN PERSON before and it truly made my blood boil. I realized then that the phrase what about… is just a more polite way of saying All Lives Matter. It’s a way to detract from the movement and decentralizes the conversation because that person feels uncomfortable. I could tell she wasn’t thrilled throughout the whole meeting and jury’s still out about her “Indian friends.” I have a feeling they don’t exist…
I’m not sure where anyone said being an ally was easy, especially a cis white ally, but I think with our culture of immediate gratification and predilection for social media likes we forget how important it is to not just post books or articles people should read and actually read and digest them. It’s easy to throw up the BLM logo and go about your day, but that’s not putting in work. That’s not examining how this system is benefitting you and breaking down others. Someone I follow on instragram posted something very raw about their journey into allyship and I think it’s super important to share those stories and those triumphs and failures. Now more than ever we need to connect with each other however we can and allies are no different. Y’all need support too and you should lean on each other. I’m not ready to be leaned on yet, but I’m getting there. Sigh.

I’ve been hearing a lot of complaints about how overwhelmed people are with resources and how they’re really trying to put in the work but it’s “hard.” No shit. Change to a system built so meticulously on white supremacy that has perpetuated without thorough examination for hundreds of years is not going to be easy. It surely isn’t going to be simple to identify where and how it’s affected your life. Yes, it absolutely sucks, and I definitely get that, but as a black woman, it’s sucked to have to live everyday knowing the world refuses to see me as a whole person or tries to put me in a box, or is uncomfortable with my very presence because of the color of my skin. Believe me, I don’t fully know what it must be like to live your entire life without having to think about race and all of a sudden be bombarded by how that obliviousness has painfully impacted an entire community for hundreds of years, but I can imagine it is HARROWING. If you’re not having an existential crisis, I would be incredibly surprised. This is an awakening. It’s going to take some time to get over that initial shock/disappointment/fear/shame but it’s imperative you do because Allies, we need you.

In a nutshell, we can all agree allyship is not easy. Being an ally means more than acknowledging society is messed up. That’s certainly part of it, but there’s more. BLM allyship means making active choices and decisions to uplift black people, support black business, use your privilege positively, but also examining the system and how you fit into while others are actively excluded. I hope everyone who is determined to be an ally also recognizes it’s going to take time to feel entirely comfortable after going through that emotional revelation, and that’s okay.

In the meantime, it’s okay to take a break. Take a beat. You don’t need to read every single thing right now. Recharge and get back to it. Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither was this white supremacist system, so it’s gonna take some time to burn it all down. Make sure you’re ready for the fight. Stay hydrated.

Here’s a link to that Airbnb allyship guide- just in case you needed more links. ;)