I realize I don’t push myself enough. It’s something I’ve been coming to terms with in the last few years. I was going to say in my 30s, but that almost made me gag and I also realized that’s just plainly untrue. Turning 30 didn’t give me some mystical, deeper understanding of myself. I still don’t feel 100% comfortable in my skin and know every single one of my wants and needs. I’m not this powerhouse of confidence and don’t know if I ever will be. This is all to say that my journey to self-actualization continues and though I would never call it that, all the time I spend trying to figure myself out is for the greater purpose of feeling less lost in this life. Actually understanding myself.

I don’t know if that’s a lofty goal or purely unattainable, but I like to think there will be a point in my life where I’m not constantly thinking about what others think of me. Where I’m not so terrified of confrontation. A me that can be comfortable in my roundness and curves and not so judgmental about who I am. I want to get to a point where I still challenge myself, but am more forgiving. A place where I’m still questioning what life is, but more content with what it isn’t.

Russell Brand popped up on my instagram because someone shared one of his posts in their stories. The earnestness at which he speaks about his own journey and understanding of spirituality is so interesting to me. He really is passionate about it and seeks out advice and help from many different places. That’s his journey and he wants to share everything he’s learned, which is great, but what I really think will help me is seeing the steps before this gusto.

I just don’t want to feel hopeless I guess. I’ve been feeling hopeless for a while. I know finding that hope requires some cultivation and a remedy I need to discover for myself, but I know I need help. I used to think I knew myself enough to work out my past and acknowledge my flaws, but no matter how self-aware I am, there’s only so much "working out" I can do on my own.

Sigh. I think I’m having "one of those days.“

MONDAY AMIRIGHT?!

But I really felt like getting that out and feel better I did. At this point, I usually try to end with something super positive like, I’m definitely going to work on writing more or now it’s time to get more positive and get to work, but I’m tired of writing words in hopes those words manifest themselves into reality. I’d rather just write my truth, which is I don’t know when I’ll write again. I don’t know what I’ll write about. I don’t know anything. I do know I’m tired, it’s Monday, and I’m definitely gonna play video games tonight.