Millions of citizens have already cast their vote, and there are so many millions more who are lining up today to exercise their right, including myself. Election Day is finally here. Today has felt like it was aeons away for so long it’s hard to believe this is the final moment to show up to the polls and make history. It’s an exciting time, but it’s also nerve-wrecking, terrifying, painful, exhausting, and disappointing.

The anxiety woke me up this morning and will probably keep me up until the wee hours. I literally tweeted earlier, I feel ill, and that just about sums me up. I know we are all running the gamut of emotion today and that we have other things we’re going through on top of this damn election. I want to say how incredible this country has been in the face of this ongoing tragedy. We are all still here even though many of our family members and our friends may not be. We are continuing on and taking it one day at a time. I just want to emphasize how hard this all is. Not just the election but the pandemic, a civil rights reckoning and plea for black lives, our environment depleting, harrowing cultural divisions, fluctuating economic circumstances, unstable leadership, and these are all happening on a national scale. There is still everyone’s own personal stuff they’re going through on top of all of this. It has not been easy and even when we get the results tonight or later this week, none of those aforementioned problems are just going to disappear. Yes, it would be slightly easier to navigate with people in office who aren’t lying everyday, but we still have a long way to go. That’s because even if Trump loses, his devote followers will still be here. Those gems.

They have ignored his glaring missteps, amplified his nonsensical tirades, and embraced his hateful rhetoric without fail. I remember when he was running for president and how enamored they were with his no-nonsense facade and “drain the swamp” tagline. I thought more of those people who liked him for saying what was on his mind might second-guess their loyalty when the thoughts on his mind turned into suggestions to inject bleach or flat out lie about a virus that is killing thousands of people. I thought even before that, his laser-focus on media coverage instead of addressing this country when hate crimes were on the rise would have caused some concern. I had hope that his true colors would dissuade people from following him so blindly. I had hope that the way he would incite violence would deter people from defending his brazen disregard for this country, but not even when he disrespected fallen soldiers and insulted late Senator McCain did they waver. I admit, I was naive to think that people would change once he got into office and started to embarrass us on an international stage, but that only made his support stronger.

And that’s because our country is racist. Our country is built on a racist foundation and forged from colonialist ideals. Our country thrives off of classism and capitalism in a way that has lead to generations of miseducation, fear, and a heavy resistance to change. We are not where we are merely because Trump is president. We are where we are because of systems that continue to oppress the disenfranchised and working class and reward the rich. We are here because of laws that were written to favor certain people and punish others. We are here because we still refuse to take a cold, hard look at our constitution, our Declaration of Independence, or Bill of Rights and think of alternatives that weren’t written when there were humans enslaved. Slaves, indigenous people, and white women weren’t even considered during the initial production of those documents. Sure, amendments here and there are supposed to make us feel better that entire groups of people were completely left out and then later their rights cobbled into footnotes and additions. We cannot forget the reality of history. We cannot forget the atrocities that led us here and made the country what it is today. We cannot forget we are on STOLEN land and the ancestors of the people who were peacefully living here are still fighting for the scraps they were given by this very government.

So, I vote today knowing there won’t be any significant change to the status quo because we are not ready to truly face history as a nation - apologize, acknowledge, and assess reparations. I vote today knowing that systemic racism and white privelege won’t disappear when/if (GEEZUS CHRIST I HOPE IT’S WHEN) Biden/Harris get elected. I vote today knowing we have a long journey ahead of us no matter who wins the White House to right the wrongs of history and establish a more equitable standard. I also vote today not knowing how it’s all going to turn out. My little bubble of friends and family are voting one way, but I know plenty of others who don’t share their opinions on social media or aren’t on social media at all have entirely different ideas.

I cannot seriously think about a Trump win right now because I am 80% sure if I go down that rabbit hole I may never return. I’m trying to stay positive today. I’m trying to not panic-scroll through social media. I’m trying not to consume every single thing in my fridge and cupboards. I’m trying not to feel sorry for myself for not being the utmost productive. I’m trying to stay in my own little bubble so I don’t explode. I’m trying, and I’m also super worried.

I’m worried about violence around the country no matter who wins. It feels like we’re all just sitting in a tinder box and the match is going to strike later this evening burning everything down and that could mean burning down the last four years or all the Democratic efforts in the past few months. Okay, I’m starting to go there and I have to reel it in.

Anyway, the point of this entirely too long rant is to please vote! If you don’t think voting matters, do it as a gift for someone who does. Please everyone stay safe out there and know your rights and where to vote!